boundaries

Could it be so simple; the Shits that drain us, preying on our energy?

Could we catch a case, swift manoeuvre out of the slumps of dependence?

Could we breathe for a second without someone farting in that sweet and still air?

Could we execute what we must, devoid of manipulation, abuse, pity and wolf allure?

I don’t like looking over my shoulder!

I don’t like having to “watch my back”

I don’t like having gotten you wrong

But I did

It’s my consequence to bear.

I got myself wrong.

Everything I despise in you is my mirror

So fuck the martyrdom

Fuck the defence

Fuck the entries to be liked and approved of

Fuck you and your front

And shame one me for giving myself away

What will it take for me to learn?

This too shall pass, and so will every facade ever passed.

too close for comfort

I have a silly habit of becoming extremely attached to people I grow to love, this attachment allows me to pay random compliments, hug, hold and caress my “subjects”, I am playful and make random phone calls using pet names and giggling plenty. This character is not limited to men or women only but both, to the point where to the unknowing and stereotyped eye I come across as romantically involved with the person (the question of my sexuality has been on many people’s lips for so long now I've grown indifferent to it). It is also the reason I feel I may be at the brink of losing two very dear friends.

These are two people who know very well that I am in a rather selfish phase of my life where anyone else’s feeling and expectations of me come secondary, I am learning to put myself first and honestly could not be bothered if it gets me stored in a box in the darkest corner of a basement instead of on a centrepiece, what matters to me is that I’m fulfilled and owe nothing to myself. With that said, this self extends to places and people I feel the deepest connections with. If certain people need something from me I will stretch as far as I can to meet that need. Why, because I rely on these people’s energies for my sustenance, the way I understand our relationships is that we are symbiotic in our quest for survival in this world. Still, the fact that we are also human tends to get in the way of that.

One of the people in questions said I am one of the most selfish people she knows, this was after I had cut short her own indulgence. I remember feeling very hurt by that statement, she noticed my change in mood and asked what was wrong, I replied nothing. What was going through my mind was; this person knows me very well, and could be right however, I also got flashes in my mind of times when she had demonstrated her self-absorption and vanity. I shook my head and laughed. I figured that well, we’re both selfish pricks hence birds of a feather flock together and once I had calmed myself down I told her what was bothering me.

The thing with me is I am bad with confrontations and already being pretty defensive myself I can always anticipate the next person’s reaction so I find gentler ways to express my concerns and try to let things go. This passivity has come back to bite me in the ass many times and yet somehow, I continue doing it. People do things, I get upset, keep quiet and remember the good times and qualities and forget about it…. then they go on and do more things more times. My breaking point always comes in the form of writing people off. I’ll maintain being civil but nothing more.

People I’d come to embrace on an intimate and platonic level translate to strangers and memories cast in stone are chucked to the bottom of the ocean never to be seen if not only as shadows. Why does it have to come to this though? Because if a person who claims you are like a sister to them neither respects your space and wishes (in the case of males) nor affords you the same kind of trust and loyalty you do them (in the case of females) then they are just a waste of memory and emotional RAM.

All this doesn't mean it hurts any less though! Will I change my habits and be less affectionate? In other words, will I inhibit myself because my energy proves too potent for the liking of others? Do I have a choice? Yes? And I choose to remove myself from the equation than to feel like I’m being pretentious and half-assed. My freedom is the most valuable thing to me and regardless how special a person is to me, I will not change myself simply because someone else has allowed his/her mind to be taken over by his/her lesser self.