I'm an instinctive creature, it's been seemingly to my undoing a couple of times, but not really
i have often reacted first and then thought after; the downside is i have drifted a little on the dangerous side in terms of "degrees" but never without provocation and never without heart.
the downside is: i qualify as mildly psychotic, lol and to be honest i love it.
we cannot always have our shit together, even the most chilled out and calm people have a breaking point, a point i have reached in many ways.
someone said to me once that at my worst, i make a blizzard feel like a heatwave. i'll take her word for it because she was at the receiving end.
again, it was not without heart that things got that way.
my instinct for self-protection has had to be tamed for a minute now, of this at least i was aware!
so it came, after what qualified as many failures, a pattern, i began to scrutinize the common denominator and actively made the decision to unlearn everything i had ever learnt regarding relationships (whatever the form) the premise was: so what if i'm hyper-sensitive, nobody else cares, and why should they?
i should have better resolve myself because people as they are will not change.
so i resumed, in little steps through one relationship in each relationship category as far as the life of Lineo is concerned: family- i became more available. friends- i became more independent. love- i became more co-existential vs super attached (the word super is used loosely here).
this process of unlearning IS taxing, and often times confusing. at some point i self diagnosed my personality as schizophrenic but hadn't realised that i was going through the necessary phases. the more liberating side to this story is that even when i felt most disconnected and all over the place, i always have this sense of pure bliss. joy. contentment. whatever emotion i experience is a reminder that i am alive and learning something new not only about the world by myself and my spirit. over and above, i am letting go of my fear to get hurt, misunderstood or even abandoned.
for this, i am grateful!
