“So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older… all this time I was finding myself, I didn't know I was lost”
It’s been a
while since I posted on here, not because I have had nothing to say but because…
heck, I don’t have an excuse. Anyway I’ll start here, with something closest to
home… my heart!
In the past 5
years it has gone through a series of natural disasters, everything you can
imagine from Tsunami’s to volcanic eruptions over ice-caps. I have drawn the
conclusion that these disasters have been self-imposed by virtue of decisions I
have made. One person even highlighted that I need to learn to be more discerning.
I’ve gone
through the whole cycle of asking why me, I even resigned to concluding that I am
meant for the service of others’ “happiness” but my own. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with almost all other aspects
of my life but this one has been a consistent enigma. I neither fall short of
suitors, nor of prospects but it’s sustenance that lacks. Reasons range
anything from my own resolve and weaknesses to my conditions not being met.
So I sought
reparations: understand my own blocks and leniency and break past patterns. Most
importantly, refrain from taking on these “projects” that only leave me hallow.
My work in progress is still in its infancy. This perhaps explains why, now,
when I see a light that does not burn my eyes or cause me to squint I just
cannot seem to win.
I have resorted
to being more attentive to my instincts, more proactive with my emotions and
steadier and balanced in what I allow my mind to stick to, and its absolute
torture! A part of me says it’s because I am not done shedding, another says
it’s just a matter of compatibility... I'm impatient I admit, but I'm curious; just what exactly am I missing?
I wrote on
Facebook “doomed or destined for solitude… I don’t know” and it’s my truth. I
am too numb to even get upset, too numb to look on the bright side, too numb in
the mind. My heart on the other hand is rather optimistic, I personally don’t
get it.
My child and I have
the sweetest love ever written, she is my role-model, best friend and water to
my existence but I’d like to have a little brother (or sister) for her
someday-soon, she herself has asked bluntly when I am going to make this
happen. Sigh! I want to turn a new leaf in my life, I want to submit and be
surrendered to also, and that’s the problem with idealists: We only ever reach
half-way but never the full mile.
In my daily
endeavours to save the world and the pricks I meet along my path, is it too
much to ask to…. Agh, why bother even typing the rest of this thought?! Until
that day (here my idealist heart go again) I will continue to enjoy every ounce
of this beautiful life I have, I will continue to spread love, intelligence and
art, I will continue to travel, eat, hug, kiss, dance and write and I will
continue to be fulfilled because one thing my life is not is unwhole!
Phew, glad
that’s off my chest!
