Tuesday, April 8, 2014

a better trend to keep

“So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older… all this time I was finding myself, I didn't know I was lost



It’s been a while since I posted on here, not because I have had nothing to say but because… heck, I don’t have an excuse. Anyway I’ll start here, with something closest to home… my heart!

In the past 5 years it has gone through a series of natural disasters, everything you can imagine from Tsunami’s to volcanic eruptions over ice-caps. I have drawn the conclusion that these disasters have been self-imposed by virtue of decisions I have made. One person even highlighted that I need to learn to be more discerning.

I’ve gone through the whole cycle of asking why me, I even resigned to concluding that I am meant for the service of others’ “happiness” but my own. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with almost all other aspects of my life but this one has been a consistent enigma. I neither fall short of suitors, nor of prospects but it’s sustenance that lacks. Reasons range anything from my own resolve and weaknesses to my conditions not being met. Yes conditions are necessary too in matters of the heart: respect, boundaries, understanding and freedom to be the self (even if the self gets conflicted sometimes) with all its quirks.





So I sought reparations: understand my own blocks and leniency and break past patterns. Most importantly, refrain from taking on these “projects” that only leave me hallow. My work in progress is still in its infancy. This perhaps explains why, now, when I see a light that does not burn my eyes or cause me to squint I just cannot seem to win.

I have resorted to being more attentive to my instincts, more proactive with my emotions and steadier and balanced in what I allow my mind to stick to, and its absolute torture! A part of me says it’s because I am not done shedding, another says it’s just a matter of compatibility... I'm impatient I admit, but I'm curious; just what exactly am I missing?







I wrote on Facebook “doomed or destined for solitude… I don’t know” and it’s my truth. I am too numb to even get upset, too numb to look on the bright side, too numb in the mind. My heart on the other hand is rather optimistic, I personally don’t get it.

My child and I have the sweetest love ever written, she is my role-model, best friend and water to my existence but I’d like to have a little brother (or sister) for her someday-soon, she herself has asked bluntly when I am going to make this happen. Sigh! I want to turn a new leaf in my life, I want to submit and be surrendered to also, and that’s the problem with idealists: We only ever reach half-way but never the full mile.





In my daily endeavours to save the world and the pricks I meet along my path, is it too much to ask to…. Agh, why bother even typing the rest of this thought?! Until that day (here my idealist heart go again) I will continue to enjoy every ounce of this beautiful life I have, I will continue to spread love, intelligence and art, I will continue to travel, eat, hug, kiss, dance and write and I will continue to be fulfilled because one thing my life is not is unwhole!


Phew, glad that’s off my chest!


No comments: