I have a silly
habit of becoming extremely attached to people I grow to love, this attachment
allows me to pay random compliments, hug, hold and caress my “subjects”, I am
playful and make random phone calls using pet names and giggling plenty. This character
is not limited to men or women only but both, to the point where to the
unknowing and stereotyped eye I come across as romantically involved with the
person (the question of my sexuality has been on many people’s lips for so long
now I've grown indifferent to it). It is also the reason I feel I may be at the
brink of losing two very dear friends.
These are two
people who know very well that I am in a rather selfish phase of my life where
anyone else’s feeling and expectations of me come secondary, I am learning to
put myself first and honestly could not be bothered if it gets me stored in a
box in the darkest corner of a basement instead of on a centrepiece, what
matters to me is that I’m fulfilled and owe nothing to myself. With that said,
this self extends to places and people I feel the deepest connections with. If
certain people need something from me I will stretch as far as I can to meet
that need. Why, because I rely on these people’s energies for my sustenance,
the way I understand our relationships is that we are symbiotic in our quest
for survival in this world. Still, the fact that we are also human tends to get
in the way of that.
One of the
people in questions said I am one of the most selfish people she knows, this
was after I had cut short her own indulgence. I remember feeling very hurt by
that statement, she noticed my change in mood and asked what was wrong, I
replied nothing. What was going through my mind was; this person knows me very
well, and could be right however, I also got flashes in my mind of times when
she had demonstrated her self-absorption and vanity. I shook my head and
laughed. I figured that well, we’re both selfish pricks hence birds of a
feather flock together and once I had calmed myself down I told her what was bothering
me.
The thing with
me is I am bad with confrontations and already being pretty defensive myself I
can always anticipate the next person’s reaction so I find gentler ways to express
my concerns and try to let things go. This passivity has come back to bite me
in the ass many times and yet somehow, I continue doing it. People do things, I
get upset, keep quiet and remember the good times and qualities and forget
about it…. then they go on and do more things more times. My breaking point
always comes in the form of writing people off. I’ll maintain being civil but
nothing more.
People I’d come
to embrace on an intimate and platonic level translate to strangers and
memories cast in stone are chucked to the bottom of the ocean never to be seen
if not only as shadows. Why does it have to come to this though? Because if a
person who claims you are like a sister to them neither respects your space and
wishes (in the case of males) nor affords you the same kind of trust and
loyalty you do them (in the case of females) then they are just a waste of
memory and emotional RAM.
All this doesn't
mean it hurts any less though! Will I change my habits and be less
affectionate? In other words, will I inhibit myself because my energy proves
too potent for the liking of others? Do I have a choice? Yes? And I choose to
remove myself from the equation than to feel like I’m being pretentious and
half-assed. My freedom is the most valuable thing to me and regardless how
special a person is to me, I will not change myself simply because someone else
has allowed his/her mind to be taken over by his/her lesser self.
No comments:
Post a Comment