Unwritten rules

One of life's great debates is this; what are the things that completely ruin friendships? The offlimit things that break even the strongest of bonds? the most common answer revolves around matters of the heart... Understandably so! Because therein our vulnerability lies.

If you lie to a close friend, trust is lost. If you steal, boundaries are drawn. If you speak ill, loyalty breaks. If you date a friend's ex, best you be living in a different country and you and that friend have since drifted apart.So on and so forth. Any form of betrayal bequeaths repercussions. Cause and effect.

My light-bulb moment came when i realised that all forms of betrayal between friends always stem from one thing: communication. If you cannot communicate openly, frankly and directly with a friend, then the title "friend" is used very loosely between you two. One cannot be honest if one is not a good communicator.

It's tricky though because communication is such a hard thing to master. You are trying to be cognisant of the other party's feelings, phrasing yourself articulately and an internal battle between what's sensible and what's nonsense. You are caught between selfish and fair, and a right and wrong that really does not exist.

Many times cases of betrayal are not so much about what the other party did but their failure to communicate their logic and actions. "It's not what you did, it's that you did not tell me, or that I had to get it out of you". The worst form of broken communication being half truths and omissions and then using fear and ignorance as a shield.

I'm not innocent of this myself, hence I've adopted a new habit. I'd rather let is spew and say I can't believe I said that, than do nothing and wish I had. Even if I do not get the desired result, at least I'll have nothing weighing on my peace of mind. Most importantly, it will strengthen the real friendships... 

Too tough to teach

You deadly minx
I adore your brutal delicacy
I worship your volatile imagination
I'm crippled by your innocence

I find it some kind of wonderful how clumsy you are
You mean well
I'm a little irritated by your lack of time management
I'm a fine one to speak

Somewhere in you lies the makings of a horror
It's your ability to get your way
It's your way with words
Even though at times you don't repeat what was said
Instead, what your mind interpreted and invented
I love you anyway because I believe you mean well

You ought to learn when to take off the mask though
Otherwise it veils you from whom you seek
Those you invite in will debate whether they're truly welcome
Avoid by all means to bend the truth away from those you yearn to keep
I had to learn these along the way, thanks to exquisite suffering

Avoid by all means to manipulate in the name of security
Territory is a hell of a thing.
It distinguishes the world from what is yours
And I thinks it's wonderful for us to have our place in the world
Even so, never forget that we own nothing, no one

My beloved nectar-filled-early-morning-breeze-as-mortals-welcome-the-sun
Remember you become transparent to your kind
Fight ownership to the end, it will destroy you whole
When you find your place, don't just let the doors and windows open
Let yourself be open too
Then the future will hold.

Too tough to teach...

verbalising, what a curse

My reactions are not spontaneous, there's a build up.

Problem is I'm not so good at letting my feelings be known..

Particularly feelings I figure are petty, or make me out as a victim.

So I shut down while masking an implosion... 

Not to say I like it, I don't!

I wish to speak but I don't know the right thing to say.

Too many things haunt my mind and silence is the best I can manage.

I especially hate arguments.

Too bad Ms Feline, human interaction is built on conflict

We won't always get along, and at some point you will have to let your feelings be known.

The voice of reason always tells me, so I try... 

And trial makes room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding!

If I could please everyone.

I love learning so I appreciate instruction.

I love learning so I want the opportunity to try without much help.

(it's a personal problem for someone a little too ambitious)

Many things I've done have proven to be mistakes as a result.

I've made my flaws visible for the taking,..

I could do with more caution I suppose.

Sometimes however, these mistakes happen because I was too cautious.

Because I left no room to show the me element, because i was focused on instruction.

I might be rationalising bull, but I need to hear the sound of my own voice.

Whether it's trembling, or my projection's off, or grammar, whatever... 

I need to hear the sound of my own voice so that I can measure my growth on this journey.

What happens when I have no instruction and I have to fend for myself?

what happens when I have no one to tell me how to articulate myself?

I need to hear my own voice, It's not selfish, it's the only way I can be of use to anyone.

September ends

With it dies parts of me I thought would exist forever… I thought I was content having very little expectations, I didn’t realise that this filtered into my standards as well.

I was shoved out of my comfort zone; challenging my fears when the risk carried thereof could have had very negative impacts on my family, career and event social life… I followed my heart even though it could have cost me my financial security.

I accepted some friends for what they are; features in my life story! Others went from leading roles to extras, and I learned that it’s OK, I’m free.

I let go of someone I love dearly, not because they are bad but because I have learnt to accept that I have a responsibility not to care for someone more than they do for themselves. I had to come to terms with the fact that trying to save someone from themselves or guide them, or whatever form of justification, is a reflection of a need within my own self and so long as I am concentrating on the other I myself stay starving.

In this month I danced under the stars, surrendered, trusted, laughed from my soul, and flowed from my core. I let love lead me in a way that’s foreign to me. I refined.

I warded off feelings of doubt, guilt, panic (well, relatively, lol) and looked into an unlikely soul to see utopia. Sounds idealistic I know but it’s very rarely that you come across someone that says “you’re amazingly beautiful… and that’s an encompassing word… flaws and all” and they mean it, show it, and nurture it within their own self ( I’m not always the easiest person to manage, I know this for a fact)... New Destinations

I remembered a friend, honoured her, counted and still count the ways in which she blesses me. I know better than the self-defeatism and asking why me; how could I be so favoured? Instead I am grateful. From beyond this physical realm of existence this amazing soul shows me love in unbelievable ways. Words cannot begin to express what she means to me.

Thank you Liepollo!

A perfect polarity: Septembers are always a time of metamorphosis for me, all for the better... but during the moment they are the hardest part of my year. I think I was a lot more alert this year though, perhaps thanks to the excitement.  I realised a big dream in my books; co-leading a historical event in my country Ba re e ne re Literature Festival and setting a very high bar for my future prospects. I am soooooooo grateful!

hidden room of unlearning

in a patient and not so much trying as it was hard, fashion i unwittingly opened myself up

I'm an instinctive creature, it's been seemingly to my undoing a couple of times, but not really

i have often reacted first and then thought after; the downside is i have drifted a little on the dangerous side in terms of "degrees" but never without provocation and never without heart.

the downside is: i qualify as mildly psychotic, lol and to be honest i love it.

we cannot always have our shit together, even the most chilled out and calm people have a breaking point, a point i have reached in many ways.

someone said to me once that at my worst, i make a blizzard feel like a heatwave. i'll take her word for it because she was at the receiving end.

again, it was not without heart that things got that way.

my instinct for self-protection has had to be tamed for a minute now, of this at least i was aware!

so it came, after what qualified as many failures, a pattern, i began to scrutinize the common denominator and actively made the decision to unlearn everything i had ever learnt regarding relationships (whatever the form) the premise was: so what if i'm hyper-sensitive, nobody else cares, and why should they?

i should have better resolve myself because people as they are will not change.

so i resumed, in little steps through one relationship in each relationship category as far as the life of Lineo is concerned: family- i became more available. friends- i became more independent. love- i became more co-existential vs super attached (the word super is used loosely here).

this process of unlearning IS taxing, and often times confusing. at some point i self diagnosed my personality as schizophrenic but hadn't realised that i was going through the necessary phases. the more liberating side to this story is that even when i felt most disconnected and all over the place, i always have this sense of pure bliss. joy. contentment. whatever emotion i experience is a reminder that i am alive and learning something new not only about the world by myself and my spirit. over and above, i am letting go of my fear to get hurt, misunderstood or even abandoned. 

for this, i am grateful!

boundaries

Could it be so simple; the Shits that drain us, preying on our energy?

Could we catch a case, swift manoeuvre out of the slumps of dependence?

Could we breathe for a second without someone farting in that sweet and still air?

Could we execute what we must, devoid of manipulation, abuse, pity and wolf allure?

I don’t like looking over my shoulder!

I don’t like having to “watch my back”

I don’t like having gotten you wrong

But I did

It’s my consequence to bear.

I got myself wrong.

Everything I despise in you is my mirror

So fuck the martyrdom

Fuck the defence

Fuck the entries to be liked and approved of

Fuck you and your front

And shame one me for giving myself away

What will it take for me to learn?

This too shall pass, and so will every facade ever passed.

too close for comfort

I have a silly habit of becoming extremely attached to people I grow to love, this attachment allows me to pay random compliments, hug, hold and caress my “subjects”, I am playful and make random phone calls using pet names and giggling plenty. This character is not limited to men or women only but both, to the point where to the unknowing and stereotyped eye I come across as romantically involved with the person (the question of my sexuality has been on many people’s lips for so long now I've grown indifferent to it). It is also the reason I feel I may be at the brink of losing two very dear friends.

These are two people who know very well that I am in a rather selfish phase of my life where anyone else’s feeling and expectations of me come secondary, I am learning to put myself first and honestly could not be bothered if it gets me stored in a box in the darkest corner of a basement instead of on a centrepiece, what matters to me is that I’m fulfilled and owe nothing to myself. With that said, this self extends to places and people I feel the deepest connections with. If certain people need something from me I will stretch as far as I can to meet that need. Why, because I rely on these people’s energies for my sustenance, the way I understand our relationships is that we are symbiotic in our quest for survival in this world. Still, the fact that we are also human tends to get in the way of that.

One of the people in questions said I am one of the most selfish people she knows, this was after I had cut short her own indulgence. I remember feeling very hurt by that statement, she noticed my change in mood and asked what was wrong, I replied nothing. What was going through my mind was; this person knows me very well, and could be right however, I also got flashes in my mind of times when she had demonstrated her self-absorption and vanity. I shook my head and laughed. I figured that well, we’re both selfish pricks hence birds of a feather flock together and once I had calmed myself down I told her what was bothering me.

The thing with me is I am bad with confrontations and already being pretty defensive myself I can always anticipate the next person’s reaction so I find gentler ways to express my concerns and try to let things go. This passivity has come back to bite me in the ass many times and yet somehow, I continue doing it. People do things, I get upset, keep quiet and remember the good times and qualities and forget about it…. then they go on and do more things more times. My breaking point always comes in the form of writing people off. I’ll maintain being civil but nothing more.

People I’d come to embrace on an intimate and platonic level translate to strangers and memories cast in stone are chucked to the bottom of the ocean never to be seen if not only as shadows. Why does it have to come to this though? Because if a person who claims you are like a sister to them neither respects your space and wishes (in the case of males) nor affords you the same kind of trust and loyalty you do them (in the case of females) then they are just a waste of memory and emotional RAM.

All this doesn't mean it hurts any less though! Will I change my habits and be less affectionate? In other words, will I inhibit myself because my energy proves too potent for the liking of others? Do I have a choice? Yes? And I choose to remove myself from the equation than to feel like I’m being pretentious and half-assed. My freedom is the most valuable thing to me and regardless how special a person is to me, I will not change myself simply because someone else has allowed his/her mind to be taken over by his/her lesser self.

find someone else

This blog appears to be my outlet for the emotions troubles that plague my sanity; just as well, I’m sure someone somewhere is suffering the same predicaments.

 When I was younger people would complement me on the beauty and softness of my hands, I liked this and agreed. Sometimes they would also toss in that I was pretty-for a dark girl- which always made me view myself through a veil, like “yes I’m pretty, but if I were fair-skinned I would be beautiful” so I did not really consider how I looked since I felt I was not good enough to begin with.

I was a late bloomer in my teens, until the fourth year of High School-when I was fourteen- I would often be mistaken for a (pretty) boy, it did not bother me at all because it drew attention away from me as far as actual boys were concerned, in that they formed legitimate friendship with me that had no implications on my lips or virginity.

Alas, like a flower I did bloom. First the attention was sometimes welcomed (as far as being recognised by someone I may have had a crush on and such), but it escalated, sometimes sprawling too far out of control to the extent that I would get depressed. Into my adult years guys would get aggressive and insulting: some were minimal with just nasty name-calling when rejected or whenever I would be boldly feminine and ooze allure. Others I considered friends would touch me inappropriately and do other dumb-shit I would rather forget.

These behaviours ingrained in me an obsession to draw focus to my intellectual prowess and not my looks (which ironically enough I had insecurities about for quite some time). I became militant in my approach maintaining the tomboy image from my younger years, I took it further when I became Rasta which in essence required that I dulled down my sexuality by covering up from head to toe so that I would never be viewed as anything but “an Empress”. It did not help!

I learned that by covering up I actually called even more attention to myself as an object of fantasy, men became blunter with looks of lust as they attempted conversations with me. Men within the Rasta community disgusted me with their barefaced misogyny and assumed ownership as if women were commodities. In the meantime I was also making strides in setting foundations for my career, something that brought me in contact with lots of men.

In as much as I was no longer trying to conceal my gorgeous feminine features, I was also very aware and deliberate in how I presented myself, working to draw as little attention to my body (couldn’t do much about my face) as I could. Does it work? Barely! I find that most times we get off on seemingly the right foot then out of nowhere (call me naïve or just oblivious) I get a pass. This happens with such regularity that it initially made me scrutinize myself a little too harshly.

I attempted various ways to counter it, from dumbing myself down, playing the ‘I have a boyfriend’ card… you are my brother I do not look at you in that way- I’m going through shit right now- I’m a single-mother- you do not know me well enough- you are not my type- you are married-you have a girlfriend, whom I know … I become crude and insensitive… brothers stay persisting. To the point that sometimes I am overwhelmed with great fear for men because some have gone as far as threatening to rape me or get me pregnant so that I would be tied to them forever, who says that?

I do not understand it though, aren’t there enough loose women in the world that brothers could holler at? Women who are on the hunt are never discreet about it, how do I attract this thing that I truly and passionately hate? Why can’t we sit in a meeting and talk business without a dude getting extra-curricular on me, why can’t we enjoy conversations without a man going off-track, why can’t I just wear whatever I want whenever I want? Am I asking for too much? I am a heterosexual female in fine fettle that is not blind to the fact that she’s been blessed with humble beauty but it is something I neither wish to violate nor exploit and I am growing rather hateful and paranoid toward men for constantly throwing a fishing rod in my direction. It’s not cool!

a better trend to keep

“So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older… all this time I was finding myself, I didn't know I was lost”

It’s been a while since I posted on here, not because I have had nothing to say but because… heck, I don’t have an excuse. Anyway I’ll start here, with something closest to home… my heart!

In the past 5 years it has gone through a series of natural disasters, everything you can imagine from Tsunami’s to volcanic eruptions over ice-caps. I have drawn the conclusion that these disasters have been self-imposed by virtue of decisions I have made. One person even highlighted that I need to learn to be more discerning.

I’ve gone through the whole cycle of asking why me, I even resigned to concluding that I am meant for the service of others’ “happiness” but my own. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with almost all other aspects of my life but this one has been a consistent enigma. I neither fall short of suitors, nor of prospects but it’s sustenance that lacks. Reasons range anything from my own resolve and weaknesses to my conditions not being met. Yes conditions are necessary too in matters of the heart: respect, boundaries, understanding and freedom to be the self (even if the self gets conflicted sometimes) with all its quirks.

So I sought reparations: understand my own blocks and leniency and break past patterns. Most importantly, refrain from taking on these “projects” that only leave me hallow. My work in progress is still in its infancy. This perhaps explains why, now, when I see a light that does not burn my eyes or cause me to squint I just cannot seem to win.

I have resorted to being more attentive to my instincts, more proactive with my emotions and steadier and balanced in what I allow my mind to stick to, and its absolute torture! A part of me says it’s because I am not done shedding, another says it’s just a matter of compatibility... I'm impatient I admit, but I'm curious; just what exactly am I missing?

I wrote on Facebook “doomed or destined for solitude… I don’t know” and it’s my truth. I am too numb to even get upset, too numb to look on the bright side, too numb in the mind. My heart on the other hand is rather optimistic, I personally don’t get it.

My child and I have the sweetest love ever written, she is my role-model, best friend and water to my existence but I’d like to have a little brother (or sister) for her someday-soon, she herself has asked bluntly when I am going to make this happen. Sigh! I want to turn a new leaf in my life, I want to submit and be surrendered to also, and that’s the problem with idealists: We only ever reach half-way but never the full mile.

In my daily endeavours to save the world and the pricks I meet along my path, is it too much to ask to…. Agh, why bother even typing the rest of this thought?! Until that day (here my idealist heart go again) I will continue to enjoy every ounce of this beautiful life I have, I will continue to spread love, intelligence and art, I will continue to travel, eat, hug, kiss, dance and write and I will continue to be fulfilled because one thing my life is not is unwhole!

Phew, glad that’s off my chest!