i should have a title but i dont!

I have time to kill so might as well utilise it on something concrete, or at least channel a voice I have not spoken in, in a bit if a while. Anxiety stubborns itself to be dealt with, but I cannot nest on a cushion pillowed up enough to pacify my demons. Could it be that this is my final decent...or accent. This, the path I always entrust in God to be the architect and mastermind of; is it finally at a point where it is spiralling in its own havoc and demise or rather its delight and elate?
Trust is not an issue in the home of fertility, but life style, factors of personality, a blend of this not so foreign but obscure culture none the less that has me in a consistent state of a questioning-mind, what am I doing here, is this a place I really want to be associated with, why does it feel so out of character yet so at home? not home in the blend context but more in the manner my heart is handled, the ease my soul is in and the joy my face resonates, happiness tucked into contentment therefore in its absolute state or maybe this is just the euphoria of an experimental phase leading the way to where I am ultimately to set roots....are these my roots though, to set even?
Now begs the question of history, I am not one to play it into insecurity or means to mark my exit, I got my own; tarnished as they come! But my pieces have been picked and lessons carved. With that, observations have indulged questions that now seem to be the only line of thought; was it? Did? Am I? What more the implication of the future? Nothing abstract or out of character that I be in a dwell of worry and anguish over things left without justification. Control is an obsession woven so tightly into my psyche being without it is, at best a piano without cords!
I might just have been out of the game long enough to be a bit of a little blur about the ways of the game hence I’m caught stumbling and a little bit tripping over myself and could be distort in rationality, my consolation is that all this, LIFE; is a process in learning and my method should be the end lesson and the fruits gathered at harvest! And that for some (...in these), I have bumped heads with love again or at least love’s cousin and the lift is....SWELL...!