find someone else

This blog appears to be my outlet for the emotions troubles that plague my sanity; just as well, I’m sure someone somewhere is suffering the same predicaments.

 When I was younger people would complement me on the beauty and softness of my hands, I liked this and agreed. Sometimes they would also toss in that I was pretty-for a dark girl- which always made me view myself through a veil, like “yes I’m pretty, but if I were fair-skinned I would be beautiful” so I did not really consider how I looked since I felt I was not good enough to begin with.

I was a late bloomer in my teens, until the fourth year of High School-when I was fourteen- I would often be mistaken for a (pretty) boy, it did not bother me at all because it drew attention away from me as far as actual boys were concerned, in that they formed legitimate friendship with me that had no implications on my lips or virginity.

Alas, like a flower I did bloom. First the attention was sometimes welcomed (as far as being recognised by someone I may have had a crush on and such), but it escalated, sometimes sprawling too far out of control to the extent that I would get depressed. Into my adult years guys would get aggressive and insulting: some were minimal with just nasty name-calling when rejected or whenever I would be boldly feminine and ooze allure. Others I considered friends would touch me inappropriately and do other dumb-shit I would rather forget.

These behaviours ingrained in me an obsession to draw focus to my intellectual prowess and not my looks (which ironically enough I had insecurities about for quite some time). I became militant in my approach maintaining the tomboy image from my younger years, I took it further when I became Rasta which in essence required that I dulled down my sexuality by covering up from head to toe so that I would never be viewed as anything but “an Empress”. It did not help!

I learned that by covering up I actually called even more attention to myself as an object of fantasy, men became blunter with looks of lust as they attempted conversations with me. Men within the Rasta community disgusted me with their barefaced misogyny and assumed ownership as if women were commodities. In the meantime I was also making strides in setting foundations for my career, something that brought me in contact with lots of men.

In as much as I was no longer trying to conceal my gorgeous feminine features, I was also very aware and deliberate in how I presented myself, working to draw as little attention to my body (couldn’t do much about my face) as I could. Does it work? Barely! I find that most times we get off on seemingly the right foot then out of nowhere (call me naïve or just oblivious) I get a pass. This happens with such regularity that it initially made me scrutinize myself a little too harshly.

I attempted various ways to counter it, from dumbing myself down, playing the ‘I have a boyfriend’ card… you are my brother I do not look at you in that way- I’m going through shit right now- I’m a single-mother- you do not know me well enough- you are not my type- you are married-you have a girlfriend, whom I know … I become crude and insensitive… brothers stay persisting. To the point that sometimes I am overwhelmed with great fear for men because some have gone as far as threatening to rape me or get me pregnant so that I would be tied to them forever, who says that?

I do not understand it though, aren’t there enough loose women in the world that brothers could holler at? Women who are on the hunt are never discreet about it, how do I attract this thing that I truly and passionately hate? Why can’t we sit in a meeting and talk business without a dude getting extra-curricular on me, why can’t we enjoy conversations without a man going off-track, why can’t I just wear whatever I want whenever I want? Am I asking for too much? I am a heterosexual female in fine fettle that is not blind to the fact that she’s been blessed with humble beauty but it is something I neither wish to violate nor exploit and I am growing rather hateful and paranoid toward men for constantly throwing a fishing rod in my direction. It’s not cool!

a better trend to keep

“So wake me up when it’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older… all this time I was finding myself, I didn't know I was lost”

It’s been a while since I posted on here, not because I have had nothing to say but because… heck, I don’t have an excuse. Anyway I’ll start here, with something closest to home… my heart!

In the past 5 years it has gone through a series of natural disasters, everything you can imagine from Tsunami’s to volcanic eruptions over ice-caps. I have drawn the conclusion that these disasters have been self-imposed by virtue of decisions I have made. One person even highlighted that I need to learn to be more discerning.

I’ve gone through the whole cycle of asking why me, I even resigned to concluding that I am meant for the service of others’ “happiness” but my own. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with almost all other aspects of my life but this one has been a consistent enigma. I neither fall short of suitors, nor of prospects but it’s sustenance that lacks. Reasons range anything from my own resolve and weaknesses to my conditions not being met. Yes conditions are necessary too in matters of the heart: respect, boundaries, understanding and freedom to be the self (even if the self gets conflicted sometimes) with all its quirks.

So I sought reparations: understand my own blocks and leniency and break past patterns. Most importantly, refrain from taking on these “projects” that only leave me hallow. My work in progress is still in its infancy. This perhaps explains why, now, when I see a light that does not burn my eyes or cause me to squint I just cannot seem to win.

I have resorted to being more attentive to my instincts, more proactive with my emotions and steadier and balanced in what I allow my mind to stick to, and its absolute torture! A part of me says it’s because I am not done shedding, another says it’s just a matter of compatibility... I'm impatient I admit, but I'm curious; just what exactly am I missing?

I wrote on Facebook “doomed or destined for solitude… I don’t know” and it’s my truth. I am too numb to even get upset, too numb to look on the bright side, too numb in the mind. My heart on the other hand is rather optimistic, I personally don’t get it.

My child and I have the sweetest love ever written, she is my role-model, best friend and water to my existence but I’d like to have a little brother (or sister) for her someday-soon, she herself has asked bluntly when I am going to make this happen. Sigh! I want to turn a new leaf in my life, I want to submit and be surrendered to also, and that’s the problem with idealists: We only ever reach half-way but never the full mile.

In my daily endeavours to save the world and the pricks I meet along my path, is it too much to ask to…. Agh, why bother even typing the rest of this thought?! Until that day (here my idealist heart go again) I will continue to enjoy every ounce of this beautiful life I have, I will continue to spread love, intelligence and art, I will continue to travel, eat, hug, kiss, dance and write and I will continue to be fulfilled because one thing my life is not is unwhole!

Phew, glad that’s off my chest!

REGRESS DONT REVERSE

Do we really know anyone? Do we know ourselves? Is it others who shock us or is it we who shock ourselves through others? It gets interesting really because for everything we can point in the next person, the same can be pointed back at us? The sad thing about being human is we are element of both the external and the internal.

For some reason we rush ourselves into things, we fall in the heat of the moment and do not realise the implications, or the magnitude of our actions, words and thoughts. One may even question, do we think things through, or are we ever completely honest with and to ourselves? How do we let people love us, yet deliberately repel those people from us when they want to show us they love us in every way, when all they mean to say is “ I do not want you to go through this alone” or “let me help you up/through this”.

To truly be engaged in something, one must show commitment, one must have follow-though, free of a guilty conscience, free of inhibitions, and doubts. One must be assertive in one’s endeavours, relieved of thoughts of what ifs or rights and wrongs. It takes processing and a lot of conviction, it takes guts, uncertainty and leaping, but what it shows is so far more greater, what it projects in us: an aspiration and elevation of sorts is so much more worth it; SELF KNOWLEDGE.

Man knows no allegiance to anyone but himself, but his conscious self knows the importance of connecting, or barriers put down and openness in communication. It is not that one be judgmental with one’s self, but one ought to relax the tension on playing it safe, or thinking we have it all under control, sometimes it is OK to obey. Not obey as in bow down to the dictatorship of another, but obey and let go of OUR dictatorship. The lengths we go to in our minds, the extents to which we let ourselves stoop, are known only to us, hence only we can redeem ourselves off of them.

Be able to ask “please do not let me fall”, be able to say “ I am not strong enough” and “ I am in need”, one who pays attribute to these only in terms of defense has still a long way to go. There are people who openly trust, accept, love and are without judgement and it is these people who know their higher mission in life.

Everybody is born both good and bad, yet it takes the conscious mind to be righteous and strive for righteousness, now for one to wholly embrace does not make one deserving of being treated as an off load. They neither ought to be passive-aggressive, feel owed anything, nor obligated. There are boundaries that must never be crossed, these are the boundaries of dependency and boundaries of aligning our internal functionality as an attribute of the external.

In real life, hints are missed or ignored,  unacknowledged even, lest they are identified as hints. With our level of sophistication, we cannot act, learn or fully appreciate something while  hidden behind hints, especially as adults. One must learn to be vocal, direct and honest without being patronising, condescending or vulgar.

We all fall under emotional subjection from time to time, but we must be very aware of how we allow these emotional episodes to transfer to others, or how they influence and or affect others. our intelligent selves know INNATELY that to get what we want, we must also give it. To see changes in our situations, we must first be the change. We must be assertive and deliberate in our due course and we MUST give ourselves the time and the push we need because it is very easy to hide behind self pity and a victim mentality.

"do you still believe in love, i wonder?"

leprechaun at the end of the rainbow

guarding the gold
fortunes they all chase
and all they see you as is a pawn, means to their selfish ends
out of the ten toes i have, how many have not felt the insult of their trampling?
guarding their fortune, but instead of embrace, they seek all corners of me to defeat
the best i get is their mockery and scorn of how they see me
they fail to recognise your glory
aren't you majestic just because you live in between indigo and orange, or between red and blue?
dont they see that they seek something you dwell with every dawning day-wealth
yet instead of ask your secret, they mock you
bitter laughs at your expense, they find every simgle thing wrong with you, because it distracts them of their own imperfections
hypocrisy, or the nature of man?

do i have to be the size of Goliath to be "seen"
let's note Goliath was destroyed by a BOY.
do i have to numb my intellectual prowess just because it makes them nervous?
what is it i have to prove from constantly being tested?
or is it my fate as a Leprechaun?
am i not worth the respect because of my tiny arms, funny hat or weird clothes?
is it my fate to have people pace their inequities against me, as if my height is some measure of my entire capacity?
the irony though, despite the microscope and torment they put me under
i have the gold they ALL want!

savoured Noise

In my head
In my house,
Even on the road
Never like a mouse.
And when silence eventually is
Still it resìdes in my head
Thoughts colided or desires lingered.
But no matter what comes to be,my rhythm is always intune with yours
And thats how all that noise,comes to melody.
Now arranged,mastered and refined!
No longer just noise,listen carefully!
Filter through the rubble,and all that conjestion begins to take form.
MUSIC! one self harmonise with another...

Future re-told!

Feline fantacies,of dreams to have me purring in peace!
Comforted by pieces of u massaged into deja vu elements remembered,
Reliving every thing i saw in my minds eye,the subconscious fore-told.
Dwelling in sweet limbo of your intoxicating effect.
Everytime i sit to visit what the mind has come to learn,lessons in you are all i replay
This is a sensation the avarage would deem as simply monotone-there is not a time that passes and i do not speak of you.
But i call it my truth,a reminscing of my tomorrow!

the tears fill my eyes and i remember!

then the tears filled my eyes and i remembered I'm human

a little trigger on the sore spot and it came exploding

thinking about memories of have been

dreams of today

what could be's of tomorrow

i smile admist my pain, piled up over all these years, and how much it hurts is actually why i smile so bright and wide

ironic isn't it?!

i look at all those (tears) that have filled rivers and and those still to come and flood lands to reunite the continents yet again!

every time i feel the urge to break down i remember all that i have lived through

and ill be damned if ill be broken now after the battle that have been!

the tears fill my eyes and I remember I'm human, but even more important I remember that I'M ALIVE and I have overcome.

my past loves, my past hates, my past do's and my past could have dones

I remember I've gotten older

not by the number of years, not by the wrinkles I've inherited

nor the number of migraines that have kept me in bed or the "I need a hug"s that I have had ..

the tears fill my eyes and I remember, all the reason I have to smile

how my past cries have helped me get a better look at myself in the mirror!

the heartbreaks, ya they miss me now, haha but I thank them

the hearts I've broken, I never had the right.by karma I have paid off that debt!

the misplaced and misdiagnosed emotion, had a bit to do with hormone rages but gained me better intelligence...I AM a woman!

now my favourite songs take me on nostalgic trips back to where I've come from and the tears fill my eyes, but now i wont hurt!sure it pains and stings my soul

but i wont hurt anymore, because with each tear, i live more and remember, hell there is a reason I'm still alive and all that pain is exactly why i LIVE!!!

the tears fill my eyes and i remember i'm human...with thought, feeling and living (SOUL!!!)

i'll be fine, i always am...in the end! (inspired by k'naan)