Retaliation

One thing ALL my friends, past and present, say to me is that I'm too tender.

Who in their right mind would be humiliated by a lover and then go on to hang out with them as though nothing happened?

Who in their mind would get betrayed by a perceived ally, but still do favours for them thereafter?

Who catches out someone who is trying to use them but continue to work with them anyway?

My mother spoilt me, she taught me that kindness is everything.
And if I should be honest, every time I have attempted being spiteful and or vengeful I have failed... I can be cold, don't get it twisted, I'm just bad at keeping up animosity.

I will not want to be around someone I fell out with in case I am tempted to talk to them, never mind take an interest in what has happened in their lives since we parted.

My problem is that I give in to the temptation to forgive too many times because I have the belief that good vibes outweigh the bad.. they do... but people are people! I also have a tendency to try to heal myself through healing others. Some might call me a people-pleaser but I am an ambassador of love!

Last year I wrote an article about someone I was once allowed close to me. I was perturbed when I wrote it because he had harassed me  in front of new friends. Knowing this personality, I knew a confrontation would be a waste because sociopaths thrive on reactions whether positive or negative.

I was angry with myself for caring for this person because with all things considered he was just nasty, narcissistic, inconsiderate and hurtful. Especially to those who took any mercy upon him. I didn't find this natural. Silly ole me wrote the article with every intention to keep it balanced and genuine... months passed and lightening struck!

I wrote that article for myself! I wish everyone well who has ever been close to me. My selfish logic is that if I invested time and emotion on you, you should at least do well beyond your affiliation with me. Besides, wishing anyone bad only chows at the wisher and nature spites you by blessing that person instead. My thing is to take what I can from the experience and improve myself.

The subject of my article did not feel that way, my words were taken as an attack and lies were fabricated about me. I laughed the first time I read what he wrote, but afterwards I felt both angry and sorry for him.

Angry because fools would cheer him on. Sorry for him because his words simply proved my point. Adding to that, slut-shaming a woman seems to be the only hope for a man who has nothing else to lose if not his dignity and that was precisely his resort.

The way I see it, the best way to shame me would have been do something he'd never done before... but oh well!

My take away from the experience was that as heartbreaking as a stray/wounded animal might be it's not my duty to nurture it. Gotta toughen up sometimes because it beats the trouble that comes with cleaning up after it.

Friends have told me to be less nice and harden a little, I will not do it. But, I will be far more picky about where I direct my kindness, I owe it to myself and my daughter. One day she will google her mother's name and the last thing I want her to come across is slanderous posts about her mother... The same reason I will also NEVER use my writing to slander someone else.

Dear Furball!

"Choose me", plays into my left ear
... alternate..
"Kiss me", plays into my right ear
Coincidence?
Our entire meeting was a coincidence.
I took flight; naturally.
And just in case I was spotted, I wore naivete as a camouflage.
For all I knew I could be wrong.
I ran to everything I already knew.

You bring in the new... challenge me.
You bring out my truth.
I dare to unlearn.
Bold enough to think it would be a breeze
That I would cruise through it with ease.

When lightening strikes I run to you.
Not the lightening that flashes across the sky kind
I mean the monsters in my mind.

You twinkle like star in the night within me.
consistently we exchange light.
I'm tired of being in flight.
It took two cheesy songs to get me here.

*no time for pretending*

Unwritten rules

One of life's great debates is this; what are the things that completely ruin friendships? The offlimit things that break even the strongest of bonds? the most common answer revolves around matters of the heart... Understandably so! Because therein our vulnerability lies.

If you lie to a close friend, trust is lost. If you steal, boundaries are drawn. If you speak ill, loyalty breaks. If you date a friend's ex, best you be living in a different country and you and that friend have since drifted apart.So on and so forth. Any form of betrayal bequeaths repercussions. Cause and effect.

My light-bulb moment came when i realised that all forms of betrayal between friends always stem from one thing: communication. If you cannot communicate openly, frankly and directly with a friend, then the title "friend" is used very loosely between you two. One cannot be honest if one is not a good communicator.

It's tricky though because communication is such a hard thing to master. You are trying to be cognisant of the other party's feelings, phrasing yourself articulately and an internal battle between what's sensible and what's nonsense. You are caught between selfish and fair, and a right and wrong that really does not exist.

Many times cases of betrayal are not so much about what the other party did but their failure to communicate their logic and actions. "It's not what you did, it's that you did not tell me, or that I had to get it out of you". The worst form of broken communication being half truths and omissions and then using fear and ignorance as a shield.

I'm not innocent of this myself, hence I've adopted a new habit. I'd rather let is spew and say I can't believe I said that, than do nothing and wish I had. Even if I do not get the desired result, at least I'll have nothing weighing on my peace of mind. Most importantly, it will strengthen the real friendships... 

Too tough to teach

You deadly minx
I adore your brutal delicacy
I worship your volatile imagination
I'm crippled by your innocence

I find it some kind of wonderful how clumsy you are
You mean well
I'm a little irritated by your lack of time management
I'm a fine one to speak

Somewhere in you lies the makings of a horror
It's your ability to get your way
It's your way with words
Even though at times you don't repeat what was said
Instead, what your mind interpreted and invented
I love you anyway because I believe you mean well

You ought to learn when to take off the mask though
Otherwise it veils you from whom you seek
Those you invite in will debate whether they're truly welcome
Avoid by all means to bend the truth away from those you yearn to keep
I had to learn these along the way, thanks to exquisite suffering

Avoid by all means to manipulate in the name of security
Territory is a hell of a thing.
It distinguishes the world from what is yours
And I thinks it's wonderful for us to have our place in the world
Even so, never forget that we own nothing, no one

My beloved nectar-filled-early-morning-breeze-as-mortals-welcome-the-sun
Remember you become transparent to your kind
Fight ownership to the end, it will destroy you whole
When you find your place, don't just let the doors and windows open
Let yourself be open too
Then the future will hold.

Too tough to teach...

verbalising, what a curse

My reactions are not spontaneous, there's a build up.

Problem is I'm not so good at letting my feelings be known..

Particularly feelings I figure are petty, or make me out as a victim.

So I shut down while masking an implosion... 

Not to say I like it, I don't!

I wish to speak but I don't know the right thing to say.

Too many things haunt my mind and silence is the best I can manage.

I especially hate arguments.

Too bad Ms Feline, human interaction is built on conflict

We won't always get along, and at some point you will have to let your feelings be known.

The voice of reason always tells me, so I try... 

And trial makes room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding!

If I could please everyone.

I love learning so I appreciate instruction.

I love learning so I want the opportunity to try without much help.

(it's a personal problem for someone a little too ambitious)

Many things I've done have proven to be mistakes as a result.

I've made my flaws visible for the taking,..

I could do with more caution I suppose.

Sometimes however, these mistakes happen because I was too cautious.

Because I left no room to show the me element, because i was focused on instruction.

I might be rationalising bull, but I need to hear the sound of my own voice.

Whether it's trembling, or my projection's off, or grammar, whatever... 

I need to hear the sound of my own voice so that I can measure my growth on this journey.

What happens when I have no instruction and I have to fend for myself?

what happens when I have no one to tell me how to articulate myself?

I need to hear my own voice, It's not selfish, it's the only way I can be of use to anyone.

September ends

With it dies parts of me I thought would exist forever… I thought I was content having very little expectations, I didn’t realise that this filtered into my standards as well.

I was shoved out of my comfort zone; challenging my fears when the risk carried thereof could have had very negative impacts on my family, career and event social life… I followed my heart even though it could have cost me my financial security.

I accepted some friends for what they are; features in my life story! Others went from leading roles to extras, and I learned that it’s OK, I’m free.

I let go of someone I love dearly, not because they are bad but because I have learnt to accept that I have a responsibility not to care for someone more than they do for themselves. I had to come to terms with the fact that trying to save someone from themselves or guide them, or whatever form of justification, is a reflection of a need within my own self and so long as I am concentrating on the other I myself stay starving.

In this month I danced under the stars, surrendered, trusted, laughed from my soul, and flowed from my core. I let love lead me in a way that’s foreign to me. I refined.

I warded off feelings of doubt, guilt, panic (well, relatively, lol) and looked into an unlikely soul to see utopia. Sounds idealistic I know but it’s very rarely that you come across someone that says “you’re amazingly beautiful… and that’s an encompassing word… flaws and all” and they mean it, show it, and nurture it within their own self ( I’m not always the easiest person to manage, I know this for a fact)... New Destinations

I remembered a friend, honoured her, counted and still count the ways in which she blesses me. I know better than the self-defeatism and asking why me; how could I be so favoured? Instead I am grateful. From beyond this physical realm of existence this amazing soul shows me love in unbelievable ways. Words cannot begin to express what she means to me.

Thank you Liepollo!

A perfect polarity: Septembers are always a time of metamorphosis for me, all for the better... but during the moment they are the hardest part of my year. I think I was a lot more alert this year though, perhaps thanks to the excitement.  I realised a big dream in my books; co-leading a historical event in my country Ba re e ne re Literature Festival and setting a very high bar for my future prospects. I am soooooooo grateful!

hidden room of unlearning

in a patient and not so much trying as it was hard, fashion i unwittingly opened myself up

I'm an instinctive creature, it's been seemingly to my undoing a couple of times, but not really

i have often reacted first and then thought after; the downside is i have drifted a little on the dangerous side in terms of "degrees" but never without provocation and never without heart.

the downside is: i qualify as mildly psychotic, lol and to be honest i love it.

we cannot always have our shit together, even the most chilled out and calm people have a breaking point, a point i have reached in many ways.

someone said to me once that at my worst, i make a blizzard feel like a heatwave. i'll take her word for it because she was at the receiving end.

again, it was not without heart that things got that way.

my instinct for self-protection has had to be tamed for a minute now, of this at least i was aware!

so it came, after what qualified as many failures, a pattern, i began to scrutinize the common denominator and actively made the decision to unlearn everything i had ever learnt regarding relationships (whatever the form) the premise was: so what if i'm hyper-sensitive, nobody else cares, and why should they?

i should have better resolve myself because people as they are will not change.

so i resumed, in little steps through one relationship in each relationship category as far as the life of Lineo is concerned: family- i became more available. friends- i became more independent. love- i became more co-existential vs super attached (the word super is used loosely here).

this process of unlearning IS taxing, and often times confusing. at some point i self diagnosed my personality as schizophrenic but hadn't realised that i was going through the necessary phases. the more liberating side to this story is that even when i felt most disconnected and all over the place, i always have this sense of pure bliss. joy. contentment. whatever emotion i experience is a reminder that i am alive and learning something new not only about the world by myself and my spirit. over and above, i am letting go of my fear to get hurt, misunderstood or even abandoned. 

for this, i am grateful!